[ closed ] I think something dark's living down in my heart.

[gramarye]

Who: Wolfgang, Benji, later Benny
What: Wolfgang goes off his meds, has a major psychotic break, and then tries to pretend nothing happened.
Where: Nawiedzonydom, Badside; later, Madrasati
When: Some nebulous point after the Spatters raid/riots?
Warnings: Drug use, body horror, self-injury, mental illness, psychiatric abuse of children.

Wolfgang's behaviour has always been a little erratic, but for the most part he is predictable. He likes to have a routine, as difficult as that is to work around how much he sleeps - sometimes half his day or more - so when he's suddenly awake all the time, it's pretty noticeable. He has these moodswings of manic energy, waking up at 3 in the morning and cleaning or taking things apart, putting them back together, pacing on the roof. He has long conversations with birds and the moon. He addresses people who aren't in the room and flinches every time he passes a mirror; in fact, he's covered up every mirror in his room. He won't look through windows in the dark. Sometimes he says things that make no sense and he'll either give up and withdraw or continue trying, obviously pained with the effort of it. But these are little things and they occur very far apart; in between, he's fine. Normal. He goes to work every day. He certainly looks a lot less sick than he normally does and he even mentions that he feels better than he has in months.

At one point he goes to a party and about midnight frantically calls Benji six times over the period of about a half an hour, begging her to come pick him up, becoming more and more incoherent until he is literally speaking nonsense. The train ride home is a miserable affair for him; he flinches at things out of the corner of his eye, hands over his face like he can block them out that way. He's panicked, pupils dilated, sweating, jaw clenched - obviously on something but he won't (or can't) answer what. What comes out of his mouth is word salad. Disorganised nonsense. It barely sounds like English. The exception is when he starts scratching at his skin, growing increasingly more distressed, get them out, get it out! like there's something under there and he doesn't stop digging into his skin until he's bleeding, crying, seeing something under his skin that just isn't there. He clamps his hands over his ears and whines like he's trying to block something out, but there's nothing there. At one point he mutters something about they won't stop talking, stop talking, shut up, shut up, shut up shut up shut up, over and over. He thinks "they" put "them" inside of him and he keeps trying to get "them" out. A few times, she can see what he sees - fleshy movement under his skin, like there are bugs crawling under there. All the lights in the house keep flickering on and off, phantoms appearing in dark corners and vanishing if looked at too closely, and outside it keeps varying between thunder and snow. It's dark all morning.

He finally passes out around noon and sleeps for half a day. The sun rises.

He vanishes into his room after that for three days - the door is gone, too, just a solid wall where it was, like it was never there - and when he finally emerges he behaves conspicuously normally, aggressively pretending that nothing happened, but slinking around with the air of someone who knows they're guilty of something and are hoping everyone else will just ignore it. Deciding to put some of that guilt to practical use, he's been cleaning the kitchen all day, in jeans and a tank top, scrubbing the floor on his hands and knees with a vigor that borders on manic the longer he's at it.

Comments

[gramarye]

Wolfgang would rather crawl under the back porch and lie down and wait to die there like a sick dog. It's not an option, but a fantasy he entertains for a moment nonetheless.

He runs his hands through his hair, but they get stuck halfway because he hasn't really brushed it and it turns into a poofy bird's nest when he doesn't, and he has to extract them with a wince. He's so tense he looks like he's going to break. Finally, in a low voice, almost defeated: "Okay."

[cestrumnocturnum]

Benji permits herself a smile at that answer, sedate as it is, even if Wolfgang looks like he's about to skitter apart, a wax statue prepared to break beneath the barest hint of pressure. "Okay," she echoes. She's tense herself, and she tips her head as if to rid herself of said tension, from neck, spine, shoulders.

"Do you need anything for now? I'm not sure if you like tea or tolerate it when I make it."

Which is a source of mild amusement, every other time, and translates into her tone now. She isn't sure if he wants to be alone -- or needs to be alone, rather, if her presence is furtherly constructive, or if she should go away and call Dr. Bernàt.

[gramarye]

Wolfgang makes the effort to smile - he doesn't quite manage it, but there's that, at least. "I'm fine." His stomach feels like it's in little knots and trying to put something into it probably won't end well. He's pretty sure he's not going to actually be sick, but he's not going to risk it.

Anxious, he wrings his hands painfully, needing something to do with them. He finally settles on trying to put his hair in order. At least he's staying in one place and isn't retreating, hiding again.